Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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