Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
