I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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