I CAN MOONWALK!
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
