im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
