she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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