I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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