it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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