Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
