Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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