do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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