Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
