god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
