I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
