I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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