I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
