Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize