I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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