I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
