I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
