Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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