getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
