I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
