If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
