Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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