before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
