he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
