So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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