I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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