I am puke
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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