Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
