I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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