I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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