i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
