It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
That accounts for only three of the penises
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
