i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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