i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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