I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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