im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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