Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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