then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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