When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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