Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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