dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
