That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize