Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
