guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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