Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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