Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
