He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
