my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My boob is missing a layer of skin
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
