we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
