Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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