i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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