like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I look better un-naked...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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