He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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