I am in a vortex of obligation.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Randomize
