so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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