he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
