Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
