I didn't shave. On purpose
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
