i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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