Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
