So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
