I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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