I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Farmville is her only friend.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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