turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
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