Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
