i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
