I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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